Angbandish Fun (r.g.r.a highlights) - The Real Story: Gabdolf
This post stems from an offhand typo/joke someone made on #angband --
the worlds bestest irc channel on irc.worldirc.org! Come join us... or
we'll ridicule you! Yes, each and every one of you, alphabetically!)
I'll admit, for being a journalistic writer, I really don't have much
skill in writing... but maybe you'll get a kick out of this anyways:
It is a little known fact that Gandalf had a brother. Somewhat
less-famous, less-intelligent and less-wizardly, Gabdolf remains in
the shadow of Gandalf to this day.
The Real Story: Gabdolf and The Hobbit:
During his travels, Gabdolf once took 13 midgets and a hobo on a quest
to slay a dragon. They got bored half-way through the quest, and quit.
The hobo, however, got lost while looking for a bathroom and came upon
a magic ring!
It was a strange, ring, made out of plastic. When put onto a finger,
it would make the wielder think he was invisible!
After getting bored and going home, the hobo (named Billy Bo) held
onto it for weeks afterwords.
The Real Story: Gabdolf and the Fellowship of the One Ring:
On his Eventy-First (12th) birthday, Gabdolf came to Billy and told
him to give the ring to his younger brother's friend, Flodo.
Billy liked the ring, and didn't want to share it with the other kids.
Gabdolf came and told him he was a bad boy, and tossed the ring into
Suddenly, mysterious words appeared on the outside of the ring. A
rough transcription is as follows: /\/\/\|><- |/\/ <|-||/\//\
Gabdolf understood what the ring was, and said the translation aloud:
"Made In China!"
Gabdolf claimed the ring was called the "One Ring", from a fantasy
work by some minor English writer, although this is disputed by his
older brother. While Gabdolf was looking up the quote to prove it, the
ring melted in the fireplace.
Astounded by this turn of events, Gabdolf claimed victory over the
Dark Lord Sauron and went on a cruise around the world with some Elvis
Gabdolf was last seen, singing "Jailhouse Rock" in a small bar outside
The Sorceror's Duel of Gabdolf versus Saurolin:
One day, Gabdolf went over to Saurolin's house. Saurolin was one of
Gabdolf's best friends. Saurolin said he was invited to a new,
exclusive club. Gabdolf wanted to join too, but Saurolin said it was
for "People whose names start with 'S' only"! Gabdolf got mad, and
tossed a rock at Saurolin. Saurolin pushed Gabdolf down, and he
Gabdolf then ran home, and went to his room. He wasn't seen for
Gabdolf versus the Balgrog!
One of Gabdolf's greatest exploits was his fight against the Balgrog.
One winter's eve, as Flodo and some friends were wandering around
looking for something to do, Gabdolf suggested they go explore his
basement. Unfortunately, Gabdolf forgot the key, and spent several
hours looking for where he left it. Once they finally got inside,
Gabdolf and his friends wandered around a bit longer.
Eventually,they came to a small bridge. Flodo and company walked
across, but when Gabdorf looked back, he saw an enormous bottle of
Balgrog lying by the wall. He told the others to hurry across, as the
Balgrog was coming to get them. They took his advice and fled, while
Gabdolf helped himself to a fine holiday drink.
As Flodo and company returned to look for Gabdolf, they saw him and
the bottle of Balgrog fall off the bridge onto the ground a few inches
below. They mourned the plight of the fallen, drunk Gabdolf, and took
him to his room. He woke up several hours later with a nasty headache.
The end. :)
Feel free to add/requote/reprint/whatever.